The Ocean

A beautiful, cold day at the end of November. Sousuke is sitting on an abandoned beach, feeling the freezing breeze from the ocean, thinking about life. A life that didn’t turn out exactly the way he had thought.

It was an extraordinarily beautiful fall day. He was sitting on the white sand, looking out at the clear blue water. The sun made the quiet waves glitter and once in awhile the water reached his bare feet where he sat.

He had begged them to come with him. For days he had asked them, pleaded with them, nagged at them to join him to the beach, but they had just laughed at him. ‘What you gonna do out there? It’s the end of November. You’re crazy man.’ That’s what they had said.

He got up and walked out into the water. ‘It’s cold,’ he thought when he stopped and let the wetness creep up his newly bought jeans. ‘I didn’t think it would be this cold.’ He wasn’t sure what he had expected from the sea in fall, but he knew that he shouldn’t be as surprised by the cold as he was. He walked back up on the beach again and slumped down on a sand dune that had built up a few meters from the water.

Water. It was his life, had always been since he was little. But it was over now. He pulled his legs up and hugged them while he rested his head on his knees. Yes, it was over. One sudden movement, a torn shoulder ligament and all his hopes and dreams were shattered. He chuckled. It wasn’t from joy, it was bitter.

It was a curse, to be the nice guy, he pondered. The guy who always helped out. They guy everyone relied on. He had never asked to be that guy, but still everyone came to him for help. He hated it. All he ever wanted was to be there for him. He only cared about him. His best friend. He was all that mattered. But he was busy with his life and his competitive swimming. He moved away. He disappeared out of his life. One day he was just gone, leaving him behind.

Like a boomerang he suddenly came back one day, years later.

‘Why didn’t you write to me?’

He never got an answer.

‘Why didn’t you tell me you were back?’

No answer to that question either.

His best friend never really did come back after all. His mind and heart was filled with someone else’s soul. And he, he had to carry his feelings for his best friend deeply hidden inside his own heart.

He raised his head and looked out at the setting sun. ‘Another hour of daylight’, he thought. ‘How come the sunset is so beautiful when it so sadly reminds us of a day that is dying?’

He should have told his best friend his true feelings of course. The feelings he had always had. But who has the courage to tell another boy that he loves him? The shame, the embarrassment, the feelings of guilt of loving someone you aren’t allowed to love. A love that the world thinks of as something sick and wrong. All those times they had talked about cute girls, when he had gazed at him and thought about him instead of them. All those times he had cried late at night when his best friend was on a date with some adorable high schooler. A tall, handsome boy like him, crying himself to sleep  because of another boy. He was pathetic.

He stood up once again, pulled off his hoodie and let his jeans and underwear fall to the ground before he walked down to the cold water. He hesitated, but only for a second, before he took one more step into the chilly water. The sensation of the cool liquid on his ankles made him shiver, but it didn’t stop him from walking further.

The sun had almost disappeared now, only a thin stripe of orange and pink highlighted the horizon. ‘Painfully beautiful’, he thought while he determined moved forward, letting the freezing water envelope his naked body. He didn’t even feel the cold anymore, his skin had gone numb and relieved him from the pain. There wasn’t anything that could make him stop now. Nothing mattered anymore when he disappeared down under the surface. He wasn’t afraid when he took the first strong arm stroke and started to dive down into the darkness, leaving the fading light above behind. Leaving the dying day and the world for others to care about. There was nothing that was his anymore.

His mind drifted off and his body floated freely down in the deep ocean. He wasn’t afraid, he was just at ease. Relieved that it was all over.

Why hadn’t they come with him?