Some Kind of Update

Hi, it’s me, the mentally ill nut case. No, it’s not gonna be one of those funny, joke around the issue kind of posts. I’m just here to write some words on my situation. If you are easily triggered by mental shit like suicide and selfharm and stuff I should advise you to stop reading right now. (this is gonna be whiny, ranty and to much information, and I bet a lot of you will be uncomfortable but I need to get it out)

Source: 水口

My life is a mess. Since the last post my mental health hasn’t really improved. The opposite actually. As I wrote, the application for permanent sick whatever you call it, didn’t go through so now I am appealing that. My doctor, God bless him, is furious about the whole ordeal and has written a somewhat aggressive letter. Not sure how it will help but he is right when he says that someone who is a 27 year old brat shouldn’t decide about things like this. Yeah, the dude who took the final decision was exactly that. And the doctor he consulted was an orthopedist. They have so much to do with the brain and mental issues. Anyway, so that sucks.

Add to the stuff above my dear partner drops a bomb not even I can fathom; he’s deep down in debt. For the last three years he has secretly lent money and now has a debt so big he will not be able to pay it during his lifetime. Yeah, I live in some sort of nightmarish limbo not knowing what to do. I can’t leave but I’m not sure I want to stay.

So, you see, my life has been more or less hell the last two months. Hell that has driven me closer to giving up and just killing myself. If I didn’t have my kids I wouldn’t have hesitated one second. I am fed up with life anyway. I get anxiety attacks so bad I injure myself just to cope. My hand is completely messed up, constantly bruised and cut. I cut off my long hair in a desperate attempt to change something. It looks like a crows nest but what can I do, I can’t afford to go to a hairdresser anymore.

As if my life isn’t sucky enough my parents are old and with age comes a whole lot of sickness and dementia and what not. Also, my father has COPD witch is totally unfair since he has never smoked a day in his 76 years on this planet. Yeah, it’s apparently something you can inherit so with my luck I’ll get that shit too. I already am bipolar and have pso so why not give me some shitty lung decease too. (who said positive thinking was a thing anyway?) Did I ever mention how he is living with a brain tumor that can’t be operated on? One that they have already operated on three times since the 90s just to try and remove but it always grows back. He has a hole in his brain because of this shit. And so yeah, he is tired as fuck. And at times confused. Which is hard to watch. So I should probably not complain too much about my issues.

Okey, sorry about this messy post. Now you know what’s up. Why I haven’t been here for a long while. My doctor tells me to do something and preferably something positive so I have a plan on perhaps start to write again. In what form I don’t know. I am not really up to date with the seasonal anime. I am more stuck in the K- drama world at the moment. Well, K-drama and some J-drama. I even watched a Chinese drama actually. That was really nice. A lot of product placement. The next whiskey I will buy will be Ballantines. Anyway, I might write about that too here. Also, I fell in love with a K-pop dude so there’s that. But I still buy and read a lot of manga. And I occasionally watch anime. Well, you’ll notice what I am up to and how often and such. But for now, I’m gonna heal my hand and my brain, and I promise I won’t kill myself on purpose. Bye, bye.

Source: 水口

Source feature pic: 水口

 

22 thoughts on “Some Kind of Update

  1. Well…I purposefully didn’t like this post. Not because it isn’t a good post, but because it just seems weird to like a post where you write about something obviously painful. I mean it’s like I say I’m okay with it or something. I cannot even come close to describing how sorry I am that your life is such a mess right now. The things you are going through I can also not even come close to understanding either. I could do the usual thing people seem to do in times like this and say something along the lines like “ Hey it will get better” or “ Cheer up, it will turn around eventually” but well, why do that when I’m not certain that it’s going to. I don’t like saying things that may or may not happen. So, does this mean I’m going to be leaving a comment with nothing positive to say at all? Erm…nope. You know me better than that right?
    All I can say is that when you say things like “ Hi it’s me the mentally ill nutcase” it kind of breaks my heart. Because that is not who you are. You are not a nutcase. You are dealing with crap that only people who go through the same crap might ever come close to understanding. And the people who don’t can only look from afar, and might even look away. While I deal with my own anxiety and fears, I do know that I have come to know you as someone who isn’t afraid to write about this. But I have also have come to know you as someone who might not always realise how truly strong and brave she really is. I can already hear you disapproving me for saying this, but well I’m not just saying it because you are my friend. I’m saying it because you might not realise it, but you have struck a chord with many of your posts in many people. People who go through the tough stuff as well, and deal with similar issues. And on behalf of those it’s why I am going to say thank you. Thank you for putting something like this out in the open. The things that might indeed make people uncomfortable but also need to be said. And I have always thought that writing about hard things makes you feel better. At least slightly. No need to bottle it all up….just let it out.
    Now….to end this also on a bit of a happy note: you finally fell through the Korean drama hole as well huh? Good for you! I fell through it a few years ago, and haven’t regretted it since. If you want to see a good one, I recommend Lawless Lawyer. Not only does it feature the best villain ever in a Korean drama series, it’s also a great story, as well as a dose of humor added to the mix too. It also comes very close to being a bit of a feel good series, despite it’s also darker tones, and I guarantee you will fall in love with the two main characters. Well…just a thought anyway.
    Dear Lina, keep fighting the good fight…even though you might want to throw that proverbial towel in the ring: don’t. And if all else fails, know that you can always contact me if you need it. For now though I’m going to close this comment that has almost become a small post by saying: I wish you the best, and hopefully some brightness will enter your life soon🐙❤️

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Jesus Christ, you just made me cry. That’s the first time a comment has made me cry but I am not surprised it was you my sweet Octo. ❤️ Well, I feel incredibly small right now but I suppose it will get better. If anything the Korean drama world has made things a little bit easier. So far I have just watched silly high school dramas but I am venturing out into the unknown so I am gonna check out that lawyer I think. I also want to watch Dokgo Rewind because I absolutely love the webcomic but I have to be a premium member to watch it on Viki so it has to wait. I wish I could find some other site to watch also because at least in my region Viki doesn’t have that much to offer. Some legal site preferably. Where do you watch?

      Thank you for your sweet comment. It means a lot, all your comments does always but especially this one. ❤️

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Well…I certainly didn’t mean to make you cry (but hopefully it was crying in a good way 😅) Well..I’m glad that my comment didn’t disappear altogether (honestly I would have rewritten it, although one never knows how it would have come out then 😅).

        As for the Korean dramas, yeah my acces to them is also limited to Viki, but also Netflix. Lastnamed recently has a lot of those make an appearance (and definitely some good ones as well (Black to name one for instance). I think you will love Lawyer. It’s certainly been one of my favorite dramas that I have ever seen, because of the incredible acting, especially on the villains part. The only other legal site I can think of right now is Viewster. They also have a few (older) dramas on offer but having just tried to check what they have, apparently that site is now down. (Annoying as it is).

        So Viki is unfortunately your best bet. Hope this helps, and if you need any other recommendations let me know.

        You take care now you hear 🐙❤️

        Liked by 1 person

      2. It was crying in a good way. People have been so kind and caring, and I am so grateful. I just answered Scott’s comment; it feels so strange that people I just know from the blog care so much about me that they want to help. I’m not used to it. Not even when it comes to people I know IRL. It makes me very teary eyed. (here we go again, now I’m crying.)

        I had no idea Viewster was on the move but I hope they are back soon. I like them. They also have an app for AppleTV and they have some nice old stuff anime-wise. And yeah, Netflix, why didn’t I think of that. Their app for AppleTV is kind of a mess to search on but I have found some stuff there. It’s nice to have something to explore. I also saw that Crunchyroll actually has some live action drama. Probably only Japanese though (I haven’t looked too close yet). It’s Asian though. 😎 I also have discovered, which is kind of fun, how much a Korean and Japanese drama differs. Koreans are way more exaggerated. At least those high school ones I watch. And yes, I have watched some dramas that has Korean, Japanese, Chinese and anime adaptations (Hana Yori Dango to be exact) and compared. Because, I have no life. 🙄😎😊

        🐧❤️🐙

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Lol…well that just means I have no life either. Honestly as my health currently is still not well, things like Netflix are a lifesaver. It’s pretty much the only thing I am doing right now, except for occasionally reading something. And I’m pretty much watching everything I can…from K-dramas, to anime, to old movies, to new movies to american tv series…as I said…no life either 😅😅
        Well as for the other thing: people only respond to you for that: because you totally deserve it 🐙❤️😊😊

        Liked by 1 person

      4. I don’t like what I hear about your health. 😕 I’m happy about Netflix though, it sure is a lifesaver at times. I heard some dude say there’s only 90s movies on there (as if) but seriously even if that was the case, what’s so bad about that. 🤔😎 I browsed the Korean section though and unfortunately it’s not that big here. But, I have Viki. 😊

        Liked by 1 person

      5. Honestly Lina, I certainly don’t like it myself. At the moment my health is not getting better at all, and I’m also nowhere close to a solution. But that said, I still want to keep my chin up and try to be positive. It just means I won’t be here as much as I used to be, but then again…I also miss everyone here, so I’m still going to pop in whenever I can 😊
        Naw….that’s certainly not true. There are loads of movies on there, and certainly not only movies out of the 90’s.
        Hmm…well….browsing the menus, doesn’t always mean you will see everything there. There are a lot of hidden things there too. I recommend searching for Black, Possessed (a recent addition and one I am currently watching) and Stranger. All are very good 😊
        Viki luckily has a lot of good stuff on there as well: happy watching! 😀

        Liked by 1 person

      6. Def gonna look for them. 👍🏻 Well, that health of yours. 😒 You are the most positive person I know though so I’m glad you are still holding up. I don’t want to see you stop being positive. That would break my heart. 😢❤️ On another, more fun (hopefully) not; have you read your twitter DMs? Not that I demand an answer like ASAP but tell me what you think. I won’t be angry if you think it’s completely insane or if you aren’t in shape to do it. (admit you are curious now and have to rush to Twitter to check out what I am talking about. 😎🐙🦑)

        Liked by 1 person

      7. Ehh…I try to remain positive. This week I have to be honest that was very hard to do, and in the beginning of this week I wasn’t able to do that. But apperently it seems I’m beginning to get sort of immune to things, so…I’m slowly crawling back to being my positive me so to speak 😅😅
        Lol….well…I was running behind a bit on answering things because of all the things that happened this week…but…as you can see I have just answered your DM…and nope, I didn’t think it was insane at all, as you may have read by now! 😊😊🐧🐧🐙🐙

        Liked by 1 person

      8. Hehe, I’m glad you didn’t think it was too insane. 😎 (I will answer it soon with details.) You come crawling back at the fitting pace for an old man. 🐌 😎 I mean, to be serious for a while, it’s okey to not always be positive. I am the least positive of all being cynical and shit so if you aren’t always peachy and sunny and all that I’m fine. 🦑🦑🦑 Life sucks at times and it’s okey to say so. ❤️

        Like

    1. You’re so kind. ❤️ I don’t know what to say, it feels very strange that someone I only know from here wants to help but for once I should probably not do the usual (very Swedish) thing and say no. We need all the help we can get. 😐 I have set up a Ko-Fi https://ko-fi.com/tinyuglyanimal and I also have a paypal account. (I can message you my email adress if you prefer paypal. I’d rather not write it here.)

      Again, you are so sweet and kind. ❤️ Thank you!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I really wish I could make a promise to you that things will get better. Debt can be one of the most crushing things to experience and has almost made me cross that line. I want you to know that even though I’m far away, I want you here. I see that you are valuable even though you may not see it for yourself.
    I hope you write and find some amazing kdrama (Oh My Ghost is still my favorite then Bromance which is Tai is now my second). Keep finding those things that keep you going. I wish I could do something. I wish I had money to help you out of your debt. I wish I could make you see what I see and what everyone else sees about you.
    Keep on fighting. We all want you here. We all want you to keep going. I know there will be somedays where you can’t get out of your bed, but try to remember us in those times too.
    You are not a nutcase and you are willing to reach out about these things that so many people struggle with. There is no shame in what you are going through. We want to have control but sometimes it is hard to find.
    I’m looking forward to more writing from you. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You know, your comments are always so comforting. At least they are a great comfort to me. ❤️ Okey, I might cry a little bit now… It means so much, all comments and sweet words I have gotten. It’s soothing to know that there are people who care and who want me here. I feel a lot better now than when I wrote this post but I still have moments when I doubt if I can get through this. That’s when I come back to these comments. Thank you for your sweet and kind and caring words. ❤️

      (On a positive not; I will definitely check out those dramas, especially the second one sounds awesome. 😊)

      Liked by 1 person

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