Hi, it’s me, the mentally ill nut case. No, it’s not gonna be one of those funny, joke around the issue kind of posts. I’m just here to write some words on my situation. If you are easily triggered by mental shit like suicide and selfharm and stuff I should advise you to stop reading right now. (this is gonna be whiny, ranty and to much information, and I bet a lot of you will be uncomfortable but I need to get it out)
My life is a mess. Since the last post my mental health hasn’t really improved. The opposite actually. As I wrote, the application for permanent sick whatever you call it, didn’t go through so now I am appealing that. My doctor, God bless him, is furious about the whole ordeal and has written a somewhat aggressive letter. Not sure how it will help but he is right when he says that someone who is a 27 year old brat shouldn’t decide about things like this. Yeah, the dude who took the final decision was exactly that. And the doctor he consulted was an orthopedist. They have so much to do with the brain and mental issues. Anyway, so that sucks.
Add to the stuff above my dear partner drops a bomb not even I can fathom; he’s deep down in debt. For the last three years he has secretly lent money and now has a debt so big he will not be able to pay it during his lifetime. Yeah, I live in some sort of nightmarish limbo not knowing what to do. I can’t leave but I’m not sure I want to stay.
So, you see, my life has been more or less hell the last two months. Hell that has driven me closer to giving up and just killing myself. If I didn’t have my kids I wouldn’t have hesitated one second. I am fed up with life anyway. I get anxiety attacks so bad I injure myself just to cope. My hand is completely messed up, constantly bruised and cut. I cut off my long hair in a desperate attempt to change something. It looks like a crows nest but what can I do, I can’t afford to go to a hairdresser anymore.
As if my life isn’t sucky enough my parents are old and with age comes a whole lot of sickness and dementia and what not. Also, my father has COPD witch is totally unfair since he has never smoked a day in his 76 years on this planet. Yeah, it’s apparently something you can inherit so with my luck I’ll get that shit too. I already am bipolar and have pso so why not give me some shitty lung decease too. (who said positive thinking was a thing anyway?) Did I ever mention how he is living with a brain tumor that can’t be operated on? One that they have already operated on three times since the 90s just to try and remove but it always grows back. He has a hole in his brain because of this shit. And so yeah, he is tired as fuck. And at times confused. Which is hard to watch. So I should probably not complain too much about my issues.
Okey, sorry about this messy post. Now you know what’s up. Why I haven’t been here for a long while. My doctor tells me to do something and preferably something positive so I have a plan on perhaps start to write again. In what form I don’t know. I am not really up to date with the seasonal anime. I am more stuck in the K- drama world at the moment. Well, K-drama and some J-drama. I even watched a Chinese drama actually. That was really nice. A lot of product placement. The next whiskey I will buy will be Ballantines. Anyway, I might write about that too here. Also, I fell in love with a K-pop dude so there’s that. But I still buy and read a lot of manga. And I occasionally watch anime. Well, you’ll notice what I am up to and how often and such. But for now, I’m gonna heal my hand and my brain, and I promise I won’t kill myself on purpose. Bye, bye.
Source feature pic: 水口