I Got Bad News Yesterday

This is a personal post completely. It has to do with my future and I feel like I need to share it with someone. You. I got a letter in the post yesterday that might change my life, and that is not a change for the better. Without any complicated explanations it has to do with me not being able to work because of my mental illness and the government deeming that I do. They don’t think I am eligible for permanent sickness benefit while my doctor, my contact at two of our government institutions both have deemed me so. I myself know I can’t uphold a job because of my illness. Everybody around me know so. I have tried every treatment and medicine there is and this is as good as it gets. I won’t be better. But that one dude who sits with my future in his hands, who has never met me, thinks that there is more rehabilitation to do. Someone who doesn’t even have a doctors degree, let alone a psychology degree, believes that he knows more than the doctor I have had for over five years now.

It’s not as if you get rich by not working. My income will decrease considerably. It is tight as it is with rent and what not. If I loose all income, which is the outcome if they won’t approve my application, we will have to move, and not just from the apartment but from this town because the rent here is mad and the amount of rentals are low, not to say non-existant. But I can’t work, my brain breaks when I do. I end up in a really bad manic episode with the immediate consequence of a deep depression. That’s how it always goes. During the whole time I have strong anxiety attacks. Anxiety where I hurt myself.

Life is more than bad, it is shitty as hell. That’s what I am trying to say. And now you know why. I had no idea this bomb would drop. Everybody around me thought it was a done deal, even that one dudes colleague who was my contact person during my years long sick leave (I’ve been 100% unable to work due to my illness since 2010 and have had sick benefits since then with rehab incorporated. Permanent sick benefits is the last step.) was convinced it wouldn’t be any problems. They have all seen me at my worst. They have all pushed me to take this road. I am stubborn as hell and have been very adamant to try every little thing at the cost of my mental health. And now it isn’t enough. So yeah, I never imagined this to happen and now I don’t know where this will end up. Or where i will go.

I am gonna try to write a little now and then but it might be very sporadic at most. I am already behind on reading blogs and commenting, and I am terribly sorry about that. You know I love your writing and it is painful when I can’t find the peace to sit down and read and I know with this bomb I will not find more calm to do so.

I know I have said several times earlier that I am taking a break because of my mental health. I did mean it then too of course, and this is how it is, my bipolar is very moody and my ability to concentrate and perform is also very moody. This time however it is different. This has more to do with happenings in my life than with just the mood swings. I don’t know at all what will happen and I have no idea how it will affect me mentally and it scares me. So, that’s why I am cautiously saying that I am taking a break, because I might be here just not as present as I would like.

Okey, I was gonna write a short notice about this but it got a bit longer. Now you know what’s going on. Life is shitty at the moment and I can do crap about it. My life lays in the hands of others.

17 thoughts on “I Got Bad News Yesterday

  1. That sucks. Hopefully, they’ll come to their senses. I hate it when a pencil pusher with no qualifiable experience holds up stuff that really impacts people’s lives.

    Take it easy and write when it grabs you. We’ll all still be here.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you! ❤️ Well, that wet behind the ear brat rejected my application once again so now I am not sure what will happen. i should probably appeal the decision eventually but right now I feel a bit dejected. At least I am still alive. 🙄 But yeah, I’ll get back to writing one day. I haven’t been here since I wrote this post.

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you! ❤️ I’m lucky to have so many people here on wordpress who support and listen when needed. It means a lot, and it means even more to read your comments. Thank you once again.

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you. ❤️ There are a lot of idiots working there. Or rather, many of the case workers do their best and are nice but that person was just, well idk, still wet behind his ears. Sadly I got another rejection last week so now I am not sure what will happen. But I am still living on at least. I suppose I should appeal the decision. Thank you for your support.

      Like

    1. Thank you! ❤️ Yeah, I feel a bit helpless here so It’s nice to know that I have people around me, here and afk who can support me. I got another rejection last week so I feel a bit dejected at the moment.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Hi, I feel for you, Lina. My dearest friend has had a similar situation happen to her with her depression. 10-15 years of “convincing” the professionals that what she had was real and that she needed the assistance they offered. It became so difficult for her to cope with and fight through, that she became more ill as a result, resulting in hospitalization and a suicide attempt. Things finally changed for her and currently she is in a good place in her life and with those so-called authorities. Which speaks to her strength and her courage to get to this good place. Still, she can’t go there and answer you herself, as it still depresses her to think about it. So I am honored to speak for her.
    I have had my own mental health struggles and interactions with a beaucracy that could care less about the people these laws were made for! Different circumstances, however It infuriates me that I was told what was good for me by these agencies. Please don’t give up, you will get through this as my best friend did.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Aw, Zen. ❤️ Thank you! I am struggling here, to tell you the truth. I got another rejection on my apply (do you call it apply?) last week so it feels a bit hopeless at the moment. But I am hanging in there. I find comfort in stories like that about your friend and I hope that I will get there too one day. The state isn’t always easy to handle and the bureaucracy is a pain. My hubby helps me a lot so that’s good. Well, Thank you for reading and commenting. ❤️

      Like

  3. Hi, i really feel for you, Lina. This sounds terribly difficult and demeaning for you. I have a good friend who has had 10-15 years of fighting the bureaucracy trying to get assistance for her mental health issues. It got so bad for her that her illness became worse ,requiring hospitalization. She did finally get all the assistance she needed, however, she still cannot talk about it to this day. I have had my own difficulties, however, my circumstances are different and I still work. Please do not give up, some of these people are fools and have no idea or care about any of the people who apply for the help they need. Take care, dear Lina.

    Liked by 1 person

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