This is a personal post completely. It has to do with my future and I feel like I need to share it with someone. You. I got a letter in the post yesterday that might change my life, and that is not a change for the better. Without any complicated explanations it has to do with me not being able to work because of my mental illness and the government deeming that I do. They don’t think I am eligible for permanent sickness benefit while my doctor, my contact at two of our government institutions both have deemed me so. I myself know I can’t uphold a job because of my illness. Everybody around me know so. I have tried every treatment and medicine there is and this is as good as it gets. I won’t be better. But that one dude who sits with my future in his hands, who has never met me, thinks that there is more rehabilitation to do. Someone who doesn’t even have a doctors degree, let alone a psychology degree, believes that he knows more than the doctor I have had for over five years now.
It’s not as if you get rich by not working. My income will decrease considerably. It is tight as it is with rent and what not. If I loose all income, which is the outcome if they won’t approve my application, we will have to move, and not just from the apartment but from this town because the rent here is mad and the amount of rentals are low, not to say non-existant. But I can’t work, my brain breaks when I do. I end up in a really bad manic episode with the immediate consequence of a deep depression. That’s how it always goes. During the whole time I have strong anxiety attacks. Anxiety where I hurt myself.
Life is more than bad, it is shitty as hell. That’s what I am trying to say. And now you know why. I had no idea this bomb would drop. Everybody around me thought it was a done deal, even that one dudes colleague who was my contact person during my years long sick leave (I’ve been 100% unable to work due to my illness since 2010 and have had sick benefits since then with rehab incorporated. Permanent sick benefits is the last step.) was convinced it wouldn’t be any problems. They have all seen me at my worst. They have all pushed me to take this road. I am stubborn as hell and have been very adamant to try every little thing at the cost of my mental health. And now it isn’t enough. So yeah, I never imagined this to happen and now I don’t know where this will end up. Or where i will go.
I am gonna try to write a little now and then but it might be very sporadic at most. I am already behind on reading blogs and commenting, and I am terribly sorry about that. You know I love your writing and it is painful when I can’t find the peace to sit down and read and I know with this bomb I will not find more calm to do so.
I know I have said several times earlier that I am taking a break because of my mental health. I did mean it then too of course, and this is how it is, my bipolar is very moody and my ability to concentrate and perform is also very moody. This time however it is different. This has more to do with happenings in my life than with just the mood swings. I don’t know at all what will happen and I have no idea how it will affect me mentally and it scares me. So, that’s why I am cautiously saying that I am taking a break, because I might be here just not as present as I would like.
Okey, I was gonna write a short notice about this but it got a bit longer. Now you know what’s going on. Life is shitty at the moment and I can do crap about it. My life lays in the hands of others.