And When I’m Gone, Don’t Mourn…

This is not a letter of good bye. No, I am not in a dark, scary place, thinking about ending my life. Not today. Today I am pondering about life.

Life and death. Death and life. It is a rather intimate relationship; life and death. You can’t have one without the other. Some would add unfortunately, I say thankfully. If there is one thing I value highly it is the freedom to chose wether I am alive or dead. The day I am stripped of that choice is the day I will crumble and fall deep down that hole and never be able to come back up. I should say die right? Yeah, well, I want to have the choice to be able to die, not to live.

My parents are getting old now. I was sitting down a few weeks ago with them, around the kitchen table actually, and talked about what kind of funeral they would like. It would be very surreal if not we had done this procedure 20 years ago when my father was going in to the hospital for a brain surgery with a very uncertain outcome. That time I was in a state of chock and couldn’t really process his words about my uncle holding the sermon, what organist would play a specific psalm or that my other uncles and brother were to carry the coffin. He would like the quintet I was playing in at the time to perform but he understood if I couldn’t manage. I just nodded and smiled. This time however it was different.

My father is a very grounded man with a lot of common sense. He knows that he isn’t immortal. He’s been close to death more than once and he is aware of the fact that he is nearer to death than he is to birth. He has seen a lot of dead people through out his years as a crime scene investigator (and some before that as a “regular” police detective) and he is sure of one thing; he’s grateful that he has lived as long as he has.

My mother on the other hand refuses to admit that she is old. Every little hint that she could be dead tomorrow makes her just as defensive as the most aggressive hockey player in Canada.

That’s what I had to deal with when I carefully raised the subject. My dad and I have talked about it before, in lighter words. He and I have the same kind of morbid humor so it’s easy to talk about serious subjects with him. My mom doesn’t understand me at all. Well, it’s safe to say that she tried to change the subject more than once but he who prevails shall win in the end. Long story short; they know they are not gonna live forever and now I know that they are both writing down how they want me (and my brother who will be of very little help because he is totally convinced our parents will survive both him and me, and our spouses and children) to handle their funeral arrangements. I’m grateful, I don’t think they want to be buried the way I want to be.

Funerals yeah, that is a rather sad business. I understand that people are sad when someone they love dies. And it is okey obviously. You should cry. A lot. But, I want my funeral to be a big party. Sing a happy song too. Like in Love Actually. Make it awkward. I make people awkward all the time so why not keep doing it all the way into the afterlife. At least have a nice afterparty with wine, hors d’oeuvres and popcorn.ย  Celebrate life instead of mourn death.

ย 

I wish I could give some of those thoughts to especially my mother so she could find some peace in the fact that she is old but she is just stressed out about this whole thing. Right now they are death cleaning the house so that me and my brother doesn’t have to do it when they are gone. I’d rather they let us kids do the cleaning for them, then sell that huge place and travel for the money or at least drink red wine on the patio at some little condo somewhere nice and warm.

Maybe I change my mind about this whole life and death when I get older. Maybe I am the one refusing to let go of life, rushing around in the basement death cleaning (I doubt it, I hate to clean and I am way to attached to my stuff so I can’t really throw anything away which make me more or less useless when it comes to death cleaning) and talking about funerals with my kids. Who knows what will happen in the future. Right now I just want my funeral to be a huge party where people are allowed to eat as much popcorn as they like.

And when I’m gone, just carry on, don’t mourn…

 

15 thoughts on “And When I’m Gone, Don’t Mourn…

  1. I have come to realise, especially considering all the events that happened in the past few weeks, pretty much the same thing: my parents are getting old as well. It’s at times very scary. While I hope they will still be around for a long time, I’m not going to deny the fact that eventually it will happen. No one lives forever, and it’s good to have talks about this once in a while. It’s not morbid, it’s realistic and in my opinion very necessary.
    While I definitely cry at funerals (seen to many of them I’m afraid) I also think it’s a wonderful way to celebrate how someone close to you was, and how that life touched you. And in many ways memories of that person will never fade: they will always stay with you till the end, and in your heart.
    This was a beautiful post….except for one thing: when you would be gone, I could not just carry on, but would definitely mourn: no question about it.

    Liked by 4 people

    1. I would mourn too, I think it is inevitable. But I don’t want to mourn more than I want to celebrate. I know I wish for too much when I say that people should just go on with their lives and not cry because I am gone because life doesn’t work that way. Eventually I will be forgotten anyway so it better be soon I think. But again, life does’t work that way. Ah well, life…

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Well…you know the old saying: ” some people are never forgotten…they are just missed” And that definitely goes for you as well. Certainly one thing is for sure…the pain of loss will lessen over time, but it will never truly go away. Especially not people that are close to your heart.
        But yeah…I do agree that people should also celebrate the life of the person that died..to only mourn it, is certainly not what I would want to happen when I finally die (though I keep having this funny notion that I am immortal, born in the Highlands of Scottland and there can only be one…either that or I have watched way too many films….never quite know what is right :))

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Haha….welll actually…I already saw your other comment where you told me to stop apologising…so….I figured I would do it anyway, and then run away in fear of reprisal lol ๐Ÿ˜‚

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I agree with you. I hope people don’t mourn my loss. I’ve already told people to burn me and put me in a paper bag to chuck somewhere. (I hate the thought of people spending money on an empty husk..)
    Seriously.. Are our parents the SAME PEOPLE?! My dad is a PSW (personal support worker) and deals with death every day, so he’s become very morbid and talks about and plans his death constantly. My mother gets so angry about it, but as both of them are in their 60s it only makes sense to start planning. I mean, you never know.
    I’m only in my 30s and I’ve already had to start planning as I have investment properties and investments that need to go to someone in the case of my demise. Sometimes you just have to be rational and realize that we’re all going to die someday.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m going in a cardboard box. That’s my wish. Expensive wooden caskets are just a waste of money. I don’t have anything of greater value but still, you never know what will happen tomorrow. But, we are in the middle of our life so we shouldn’t think about this I suppose. Although, I think it is good to be reminded now and then that we can’t really live if death never existed.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. My husband refuses to talk about what happens when one of us dies. I’m a bit worried about his approach with death. However, I think we always hope that people will move on and not be sad at our death, but there will always be that period where “You know I really wish I could see Lina tweet or blog today.” Then it will hurt a bit. It is funny how sometimes remembering the good times is what makes it hurt the most.

    Also sudden/unexpected death is probably the hardest since it is easy to see how much time that person would have had left. When my brother passed I not only mourned for missing him and never getting to see him again, but I mourned for his two small children that would never know who he was. He was just such a cool guy.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. My husband is more like whenever I start to talk about death and funeral he thinks that I am out to hurt myself or plan to take my life. So he always answers with a “mhm” in a very irritated way and then he changes the subject. And when I try to talk to him about the fact that something actually can happen he always gets annoyed and doesn’t want to talk about it.

      I don’t know if I’m strange in some way but I have always prepared myself that everyone around me can die. Especially now my parents. I am just waiting for it to happen. Preparing myself mentally. It’s gonna be hard but everyone will eventually happen and I might as well be prepared, and not just practically but mentally too.

      I’m sorry about your brother. โค I understand your thoughts about his children. That is sad and it should be mourned I think.

      Liked by 1 person

    2. I’m so glad Lina came up with this post. It allows me to get to know people so much better.
      Im sorry that your man doesn’t want to talk about these things! Hopefully he’ll accept them in the near future, becauee they’re inevitable! And I’m so sorry about your brother. It would be hard not to mourn him. But, I hope that you show his children what a cool guy he was since they won’t be able to see for themselves.

      Liked by 2 people

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